Oh, how I
rue the day I met Bernard. I know, I
know, Bernard sounds like the name of some nice janitor. But believe me Bernard is not nice, a
janitor, or in fact human at all. Now,
you’re probably wondering what could Bernard have done to insult me so badly
that I call him inhuman. Let me
explain. Bernard is literally not a
human. He is a parakeet. An evil, monstrous, unethical, obnoxious,
deceitful, dishonest, evil, monstrous…sorry I’m beginning to repeat
myself. I always do this when I get
riled up. Anyways I will stop there
because I’m sure you now understand the utter garbage I had to put up with. So, lets start with the day I met Bernard,
the enemy of humanity.
It was a
beautiful day. There’s no other
description for it. The sun was
shining. There were a few clouds
speckled across the bright blue sky. It
wasn’t overly hot though, because of the gentle breeze. I was in town doing a few errands, picking up
groceries and such, and was just coming out from getting lunch at a lovely
Chinese food place. I stepped outside
and walked straight past a pet store. I
took a few more steps and then stopped. And
then a thought popped into my head. You
see I am a bachelor and lived in an apartment by myself. So, I thought I would maybe get a puppy or
something like that to give me some company.
So into the
pet store I went. It was one of the
biggest mistakes in my life. I looked
around the puppy section and didn’t see any that caught my eye. I gave up and began to walk back to the
entrance of the store. And that is when
Bernard introduced himself.
“My name’s
Bernard, my name’s Bernard.”
I jumped and
looked around. There was nobody else in
the vicinity.
“My name’s
Bernard.”
The sound
was coming from above and behind me. I
turned to look and there was Bernard in all his feathery glory, rocking gently
back and forth in his cage. He was
fantastic, bright blue and yellow.
I thought
for a moment and then decided I really didn’t want to own a parakeet. I turned around and once again went to leave.
“I’m an
orphan. Adopt me,” said Bernard somehow
managing to add a sniffle into his speech.
I stopped
dead in my tracks. Something about the
way he said tugged at my heartstrings.
I felt morally obliged to buy this parakeet. I sure wish there were such things as time
machines so that I could go back and change what I have done. Unfortunately, there aren’t so I’m stuck with
my decision. I bought the parakeet and
my life was forever changed.
The first
night he wailed uncontrollably, complaining about new surroundings. The second night he wailed uncontrollably,
complaining about new surroundings. The
third night he wailed uncontrollably, complaining about new surroundings. You get my drift. Finally, on the fourteenth night he stopped
complaining about new surroundings. Yep,
it was great. Instead he wailed
uncontrollably, complaining about a stomach ache from the "cheap" food I had
bought him.
Talk about
being ungrateful to the man that took him in and fed him.
I started sleeping
on the couch in the living room where he was because it seemed to calm him down
and he would actually sleep the night through.
I thought I would just do this while the parakeet adjusted to his new
home. How long it would take I didn’t
know. A few more weeks passed and I
decided to try sleeping in my bedroom again.
That was the night that I got kicked out of my apartment.
Bernard, the
little butt, shrieked the entire night even after I moved back into the living
room. He yelled and screeched about
betrayal. I had twenty-four hours to get
out of the apartment building.
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