The Self-Centered Sea
My system of navigation is broken. My compass is imperfect, often leading me in
the wrong direction. On the sea of
friendships and family, my perspective is tainted. My focus is flawed. I view my relationships through a
self-centered lens.
Viewing my loved ones in this light
changes the way I act, the way I treat them, and the way I treat myself. I am of primary importance. What I want and need should be the number one
on their list, just as it is on mine.
I selfishly take and I selfishly
give. I take as if I’ve somehow earned
my keep. I give seeking a return, as if
love and generosity are an investment in which the interest builds up over
time. I’ve heard it before, “Love isn’t
a one-way road”. I’ve believed it. It’s one of the many things I’ve had a wrong
view of.
Let me correct that statement. “Love shouldn’t be a one-way road.” But sometimes it is. That’s part of life and something I’ve been
learning and I think a lot of people need to learn. Sometimes you give and don’t get back. Sometimes love is a one-sided affair. Don’t believe me on this philosophy. Let me argue my point for a second.
Love took Jesus down a one-way road
that led straight to a cross and a cup filled to the full with God’s wrath.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately. About what drives me and motivates me towards
love and good works. Often those motives
are impure. But I’ve also been thinking
about the things that I want to drive me.
About the man I want to be to the ones I love. What characteristics I want to exhibit to
show Christ’s love. I’ve been thinking
about one specifically.
Loyalty.
What is loyalty?
We’ll go a little deeper than the
typical definition of showing support for a person or institution.
Loyalty is being there for someone
no matter what. No matter what. That’s the tough part right there.
(Sidenote: I’m in no way saying
someone experiencing abuse or something of the like should stay in that
relationship. Simply saying that I think
often relationships are given up on because they’re hard at that time.)
I want to look at a couple of different
examples of what loyalty can look like.
One from a fictional piece and one from the Bible. This to show that loyalty doesn’t necessarily
look the same from person to person, but that the fundamentals remain true
despite different circumstances.
The Friend That Stays
I hear a lot about people leaving friendships because the
other one was being toxic. Let me tell
you something. Just because you’re being
treated poorly or someone is exhibiting bad behavior is not necessarily an
excuse to leave a friendship. If as
Christians our goal is to do what’s best for ourselves or what makes us feel
good, then yeah, go for it. But I pray I
have the strength to remain by my friend’s side even when they’re at their
worst. I believe that is what loyalty
is. It’s not just about looking at a
person as who they are in the moment.
But looking at the circumstances surrounding them. Looking at who they have been and looking at
the potential of who they could be.
Loyalty does not mean excusing bad behavior. It can certainly mean calling them out. But it does not mean giving up on them even
if they are consistently acting wrongly.
Love, in the biblical sense of the
word, is sacrifice. It is giving one’s
self up for the betterment of others. It
is being inconvenienced, torn down, hurt, and broken, but resolving to
continuing loving and encouraging despite what could easily hold you back.
And maybe there are some
relationships that need to be ended. But
just ask yourself if that is really the case or if you’re just giving up
because it’s “too hard”. Maybe you’re
that bright spot this person needs to break out of the darkness they’re
in. Don’t say, “I’ve tried a thousand
times and nothing changes.” Who are you
to say this won’t be the time you are used to bring a change? Don’t take for granted the work that God can
do and the fact that He wants to use us for it.
Optimism is of utmost importance for
this kind of loyalty.
Take the example of Samwise Gamgee,
a hobbit from The Lord of the Rings trilogy. His optimism might be called foolhardy by
some. But this was one of his greatest
strengths. His ability to see beauty and
goodness in the darkest of places. And
it aided him in his loyalty to Frodo.
He recognized the negative
circumstances and influences contributing to the change in Frodo. But he didn’t leave. He stayed with him.
There is a song by Andrew Peterson
called “To All the Poets”. The chorus
says:
And you keep on dreamin’
When all the dreams fade
When friends desert me
You’re the ones who stayed
To write the prayers when every
prayer had been prayed
This song struck me. Brought tears to my eyes. You’re the ones who stayed. This has been often my prayer
lately. “God give me the strength and
grace to love them even when it’s hard.
Even when it hurts.”
Oh how I want to be the one that
stays!
A Necessary Separation
But sometimes a separation is necessary for the benefit of
the person you care for.
Jonathan and David in the book of 1 Samuel are such an
example. Scripture says multiple times,
from chapters 18-20, that “Jonathan loved David as his own soul”. Jonathan proved this love and loyalty to be
true in Chapter 20. Saul desired to kill
David. So Jonathan and David hatched a
plan.
“And Jonathan said to David, ‘Come, let us go out into
the field.’ So both of them went out into the field. Then Jonathan said to David: ‘The Lord God of
Israel is witness! When I have sounded out my father sometime tomorrow, or the
third day, and indeed there is good toward David, and I do not send to you and
tell you, may the Lord do so and much more to Jonathan. But if it pleases my
father to do you evil, then I will report it to you and send you away, that you
may go in safety. And the Lord be with you as He has been with my father. And
you shall not only show me the kindness of the Lord while I still live, that I
may not die; but you shall not cut off your kindness from my house forever, no,
not when the Lord has cut off every one of the enemies of David from the face
of the earth.’ So Jonathan made a covenant with the house of David saying, ‘Let
the Lord require it at the hand of David’s enemies.
Now Jonathan again caused David to
vow, because he loved him; for he loved him as he loved his own soul. Then
Jonathan said to David, ‘Tomorrow is the New Moon; and you will be missed
because your seat will be empty. And when you have stayed three days, go down
quickly and come to the place where you hid on the day of the deed; and remain
by the stone Ezel. Then I will shoot three arrows to the side, as though I shot
at a target; and there I will send a lad, saying ‘Go find the arrow.’ If I
expressly say to the lad, ‘Look, the arrows are on this side of you; get them
and come’ --then, as the Lord lives, there is safety for you and no harm. But
if I say thus to the young man, ‘Look, the arrows are beyond you’ –go your way,
for the Lord has sent you away. And as for the matter which you and I have
spoken of, indeed the Lord be between you and me forever.” Verses 11-23
Indeed, Saul intended harm for David
and they were made to part ways.
“As soon as the lad had gone, David
arose from a place toward the south, fell on his face to the ground, and bowed
down three times. And they kissed one another; and they wept together, but
David more so. Then Jonathan said to David, ‘Go in peace, since we have both
sworn in the name of the Lord, saying, ‘May the Lord be between you and me, and
between your descendants and my descendants, forever.’’ So he arose and
departed, and Jonathan went into the city.” Verses 41-42
As far as we know, those two only
saw each other once more before Jonathan died.
During the time Saul pursued David, Jonathan found David’s camp and this
only to encourage David in the Lord (1 Samuel 23:16-18). And loyal to his vow, after he was king,
David showed kindness to Jonathan’s son Mephibosheth (2 Samuel 9).
Jonathan’s love and loyalty to David
were completely unselfish. And in this
case, his loyalty meant separation was what was best for David.
Perhaps this is the most difficult and painful part of loyalty; the recognition that sometimes you are not what is best for someone you love.
Conclusion
If there is one characteristic I want to exhibit to the
people I love, it is loyalty. Through
thick and thin. Through the good and the
bad. When they’re at their best and when
they’re at their worst.
And here’s some encouragement. I’ve seen it firsthand. All of the hardship you might endure for
being loyal to someone, even when it’s hard, is totally worthwhile. Loyalty can be trying but when you see them
breakthrough…it’s beautiful.
Loyalty is an exhausting experiment
in unconditional love. In a nutshell,
loyalty is the ability to see what’s best for someone and doing your best to steer
them towards it. All in all, loyalty is
knowing when to say yes and when to say no.
It is offering yourself to someone entirely. It is being there for what they need no
matter what.
No matter what.
