Everyone
knows raising a child is an expensive business.
And that is why I don’t really blame my parents for making me into what
I am today.
My training began at an early
age. By early I mean early.
I was six months old when I first
began. I wasn’t even potty-trained yet,
but my parents needed the money and what better way to get it through an innocent
little baby like me.
If you haven’t figured it out by now
I am a thief and I have been since I was six months old. My parents were clever. Very clever indeed. Who else have you heard of that teaches a
six-month-old baby to steal and pickpocket before he could even walk?
It started with my dad teaching me
to remove his wristwatch. I got better
and better at that until he only noticed because he knew it was coming. Next, we moved on to pockets. Within two weeks I could remove a
handkerchief without them noticing, and in three I could swipe a wallet.
After this my parents started going
to rich people’s parties. They weren’t
ever invited, but because I was so cute we were just let inside. Everyone just assumed someone else at the
party had invited them when they really hadn’t been invited at all. Once inside, they passed me around. Most everyone was eager to hold cute little
me and as they did I worked my magic.
Snatching wallets, expensive wristwatches, diamond earrings and
necklaces, and anything else that would be worth any amount of money.
After the parties, they would wonder
who had stolen from them, but by then my parents and I were gone with our loot.
I quickly progressed in my stealing
skills, and by the age of two I was robbing banks. At such a low height, I could walk around
without being noticed. Even if I was
noticed, the bank’s staff would just get confused looks on their faces, as they
wondered how I had gotten into the safe.
They never suspected a toddler to be a thief, so things went very well
for me.
By four I was cracking some of the hardest
safes in the world and stealing millions of dollars.
We were quite well off by the time I
turned five. My parents decided it was
time to stop with the stealing.
Unfortunately for them, my life didn’t seem fulfilled if I wasn’t
stealing and robbing banks. I had to
wait until I was older though, because they would definitely notice if their
five-year-old son wasn’t around.
So I bided my time.
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